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Well, it has been a semester. We have shared a lot, we've cried a lot and you have learned a lot. But alas all good things must come to an end, and honestly I am starting to run out of material to write. If anyone was to take anything away from this is, THE DUCKS ARE AWESOME!!

Now I can't tell you how many times this semester watching the bash brothers bash with a whiskey and coke in hand. But I'm not tired, I will never be tired of my young little heroes known as the Ducks.

Honestly if you and your roommates are looking for something to do and have whiskey or anything on hand, sit down and watch D2, you will be provided with endless hours of entertainment. And now I'm tired and want to go to sleep, but remember

DUCKS FLY TOGETHER!!

Why Twilight Sucked

Now I know one factor for my final grade is consistency, but honestly with this subject I don't care. The overall suck produced by this movie is just too funny for me not write about so here it goes.

First of all, I enjoyed watching the hour of this movie that I did, but for a completely different reason than most people who enjoyed it, it was hilarious. What made it so funny?

1) Gaping Plot Holes

The inconsistencies provided in Twilight made me shake my head when I realized that girls I actually respect were able to see past these and swoon over Edward. 

First off, why the hell is a 100 year, 17 year old still in high school. I know it is to try to keep up normal appearances, but they kind of had that argument killed when they mysteriously disappear everyday it is sunny outside and based on the Cullen's overall demeanor.

What everyone in your family isn't pale, looks like they're 25 and only hangs out with each other?

After that you have to answer me why Edward was sleeping after he said he didn't sleep and why they hell was Bella focusing on the fact that Edward was really fast when he freaking stiff armed a car flying at them at at least 30 mph and why the crap did she fall in love with a guy who is A) creepy as hell B) incredibly stupid (he would talk about vampire stuff and couldn't give an answer when that weird point was called out, isn't over 100 years of vampiring going to give you some experience?) C) wayyyyyy overprotective and D) she went one ONE date with?

2) The Acting/Writing

Now far be it from me to question anybody's acting, I can't do it very well and know its a hard thing to do. However in a movie that made $8 Billion, I would expect the acting to surpass that of a coffee table. 

Pictured: Edward Cullen

"Bella! Guess who just asked me to prom. I totally thought Mike was gonna ask you, actually. Um, it's not gonna be weird though, right?"
"No, no. Zero weirdness. You guys are great together."
"I know, right?"

"I hate you for making me want you so much."

These are not lines written on a poor scoring AP English exam, oh no these are actual lines from Twilight. A movie based off a book! That means while the writers might have taken some liberties with the lines, they mostly had to stay with the book. I'm fairly sure the humans on Planet of the Apes said better lines (for those who don't know what I'm talking about, they were mute).

3) Vampire Baseball

You heard me, vampire baseball.

4) Having a girl try to legitimately explain how it makes sense.
Now if you are a guy, there is one rule in your Twilight watching experience, there needs to be at least one girl present in the room. This is first of all because it is a chick flick and secondly it makes it a lot more fun. Pretty much every argument ended with either "You guys just don't understand!" or "The book is so much better than the movie" the why the hell do you OWN THE MOVIE?!!

Baffling post duck careers part 2

Adam "Cake eater" Banks aka Vincent Larusso


Now everyone will say that Fulton or Goldberg or Jessie is there favorite Duck, if they say Charlie, they should be promptly beaten. These people are all liars, underneath everyone's favorite character is Adam Banks from Edina,Minnesota, I mean his freaking number was 99 (for those who don't know was Gretzky and my number in hockey).

Adam was interesting in the fact that normally, you should have hated him with a passion. Everyone on his team seemed to hate him slightly for being rich and to be honest he was kind of a bitch. However, this was severely overlooked by the fact that, a)he was a really nice guy and b) was clearly the most talented person on the team. He even was able to just bitch slap a common case of smashed wrist from hockey stick of a juiced up viking.


Well Adam Banks was portrayed by the stunningly Italian sounding Vincent Larusso. Larusso was one of the cast members who stayed on the team in all three movies and he rocked every single one of them. Afterward Larusso became somewhat of a teen idol and then like many teen idols from the 90's, disappeared. According to the internet, Larusso actually went onto have a normal life, he graduated from high school in '96 and went to Boston University after.

WHERE SHIT GOT KIND OF WEIRD

Imagine you are at a restaurant, eating your grilled halibut with a girl who obviously you aren't going to ask out again. But alas your dinner is about to be followed with some AWESOME Cobbler with KICKASS on top because you've just finally realized that the waiter who looks like someone you know is Adam f'ing Banks!! Yes Mr. Larusso took a turn to the job as a waiter during his decade hiatus from acting. I just wish I could have actually been at that restaurant, I probably would have never left. I mean I guess I just figured he would have at least be like the head marketing guy for the Anaheim Ducks now, he did get a degree in Business, think about it NHL...

Values the Ducks taught me part 2-Diversity

Hey everybody, its blog time again! After a 2 week hiatus, I'm dusting the ol cobwebs off and talking about the most esoteric shit ever spewed out on the internet. But I digress: Hands Across America, The Olympics, a riot, what do all of these things have in common? They bring people together, if history has taught us anything it is that we need to be united as a country and not torn apart by the color of our skin or what we might hold dear. This was the obvious agenda of Coach Gordon Bombay or as I like to refer to him as Better Bono.

Now when I think of the NHL, I basically think of an entire league named Doug, meaning the diversity within the league is probably that of the Mormon church. Even every team the Ducks played had a roster full of either white people or Jamaicans who for some reason live in Trinidad and Tobago.

The land of tie-dye and steel drums

Now in the first film the Ducks brought something to the game that had never been seen, racial integration, and goddammit no one else liked that. Well if they were pissed in D1, those people would have had a god damn stroke from what they saw in D2. Lets go down the list shall we:

1. Luiz Mendoza
Hails From: Miami, Florida (South Miami if you read his jersey)
Importance: First Hispanic to succeed in hockey.

BEHOLD THE FUTURE OF HOCKEY...maybe. As the nations fastest growing demographic, it was only a matter of time until the Hispanics made a move onto the rink. And the first to break this barrier was Luiz Mendoza. Luiz's contribution to the team was mind blowing, goalie-shitting speed. However, he had two problems that came with his strengths, his ability to stop was straight up zero and the concussions he got from slamming into the walls at literally breakneck speed are putting him on route to be the next Ali.

But Luiz was not going to let this handicap stop him from earning the respect he deserves. He soon learned to stop, scored a goal and paved the way for many Hispanic athletes to come.

2. Ken Wu

Hails From: San Fransisco, California
Importance: Being the first gay hockey player

Freddy Mercury, Harvey Milk, NPH; all of these openly gay people have made positive contributions socially, culturally and politically. Sports has been an area of our popular culture where we have not seen many gay people flourish. This all changed with Mr. Ken Wu. Although he never officially said he was gay, he was a male figure skater, c'mon.

I'm nooot gaaaaaaaaaaayyy!

Today the gay culture is an extremely polarizing topic. What I'm going to assume is that the good ol bash brothers at first were not too happy with having Wu as a teammate as we saw Dean Portman lifting him onto the goal an giving him a right cross knocking the poor kid's ass out. But as the time went on Ken won the extreme adoration of them by going into some sort of rage and beating the absolute hell out of the Iceland goalie. Riots ensued and Ken became the third Bash Brother, this is how society needs to be people!

3. Russ Tyler

Hails From: South Central Los Angeles
Importance: Social Context

If you look at the history of the United States, South Central LA has been and still is an incredibly interesting spot. Compton, crips and bloods, NWA, all things that scare the absolute hell out of white people everywhere, came out of South Central. Now Russ Tyler was just a huge dick at the beginning of the movie by talkin shit to anyone he could. The reason, because the Ducks lost their way and didn't know how to play street hockey. So the Ducks followed Russ and his gang to their neighborhood basketball court and played some hockey on rollerblades (don't worry basketball wasn't popular in the early to mid 90's). It was their that Russ dropped the damn atomic bomb of hockey known as the knuckle puck.

Kenan Thompson - Knuckle Puck
Uploaded by joecool85

Now this was enough to earn him a spot on the Ducks after Adam Banks had a bad case of smashed wrist. It was here, he dropped the knuckle puck and scored a goal for the Ducks and for the people of LA. It just goes to show that no matter what sports can make you a better person.

Didn't play sports...

Baffling post ducks careers part 1

This is more informational than funny... sorry

Julie "The Cat" Gaffney a.k.a.  Colombe Jacobsen-

Now the mighty ducks was not ms jacobsen's first foray into movies, she first appeared as the object of little henry roengartner in Rookie of the Year. However then she took her bad ass position in between the pipes and being severely underappreciated by her coach.

Now me and pretty much any other guy thought she was easily the best looking duck out there and we're just in our wanting to know just what the hell happened to her. We here's what I found thanks to imdb.com

The Living Wake (2007) .... Prostitute
Descent (2007) .... Nadia
Searching for Haizmann (2003) .... Hannah Allen
Moonlight Mile (2002) .... Patty
Men in Black II (2002) .... Hailey

Well first of all her timing between d3 and MIB2 (she's a sequel girl) was 6 years. We could say that she went to college and did that whole thing, but judging on her first entry in The Living Wake I would venture to say not.

Where shit get weird:

Albeit, she still is attractive, but she has traded in her hockey stick for a spatula. Thats right ms jacobsen was a reject in The Next Food Network Star. The following describes her short stint from foodieobsessed.com

Colombe just never had much personality. She is a beautiful woman, but I think all that yoga sucked the life blood out of her. She also had very little common sense. Leaving a bag behind at the grocery store was unforgivable, she had to have realized that was some-one’s. At least she tried to redeem her self by helping out Paul.

So apparently, she's a shitty chef (-3), does yoga (+2), no common sense (-2), nice (+1), still was a mighty duck (+infinity).

Laws.....We don't need no stinkin laws

There are some people out there, who believe laws are just an unnecessary obstacle that those stupid (insert either Gun-Toting or Treehugging) government officials put into effect to block the every day average joe from enjoying his god given freedoms.

 

Eat it Washington

Generally, I hate people like this almost as much as I hate Nickleback fans, but there is one group of people who I feel deserve to break the laws they did. You don't get any points for guessing, its the Ducks. Here are a couple of laws broken in D2 and why they are justifiable.

Law 1: Disturbing the Peace via rollerblading

First of all, when I do stumble across any kids skating in public I admit it does annoy the crap out of me but what annoys me even more are the people who are vocally against public skating. The people who put this law into effect must have been the people who wrote to the fictional Mister Wilson off of Dennis the Menace giving him pointers on how to get that little shit off his front yard.

 

Behold the end of the goddamn world!!

So with my feelings on this, I think the Ducks were totally justified in their reckless abandon when they went off the streets and into the mall. First off all, they were being rounded up for what is probably known as the the best reunion in sports history, they didn't have time take off their skates. After liberating Averman from the middle school hell we like to call a summer job, the three reunited pals decided to take a little stroll around the mall. Why because they can! They are about to go off an defend this countries hockey reputation, would you be mad if one of them stole your precious little hat you bought from the Dollar General? Any true American would answer with an emphatic HELL NO!!

Law 2: Arson

As the Ducks are coming back from their reconciliation with Coach Bombay after he acted like a grade A prick, Bombay wanted to show he had let his materialistic LA ways behind him and again embraced those good ol' Minnesota Values. And he did this they way any self respecting Minnesotan...Minnesotian...Minnesotite, person from Minnesota would, by sticking it in barrel and lighting that son of a bitch up! 

Now most people will say, hey didn't the Great London Fire start off with a minor event like this, well yes and honestly if Sweeney Todd is any indication of what life was like back then, well I don't see the problem with that.

Apparently, the sun didn't shine in England until after WWII, you're welcome UK.

Now, keep in mind the technological context in which this movie was shot. Power Point did not exist and especially when you are dealing with teenagers, any speech needs a visual aid. Bombay was simply doing his best to make a point to his eager eyed audience, I'd be hard pressed to find any collegiate speech professor who would disagree with me. Also its not like wide spread fires is nothing LA couldn't handle...

Oh yeah...

Law 3: Inciting a riot

Now I personally love watching a good riot on TV, with the tear gas and breaking glass and the public beatings. However I do understand why a riot can be detrimental to society, remember that time you threw that house party and it ended up with all of your and your parents shit getting completely destroyed, thats essentially a riot. And unfortunately a riot is also a breeding ground of wrong place wrong time incidences, and honestly I feel safe knowing the fact that when I go out to get a burger, my car is not going to become a petrol bomb. 

But even when the bash brothers decided to incite a mini riot within the Pond over at Anaheim, it was for the a good reason. First of all sports are all about momentum, and as enforcers on the team, it was the bash brother's job to shift the momentum away from Iceland. Luckily, La is a place that knows how to handle itself during a riot.

Oh yeah...

The Flying V....awesome

What do Gordon Bombay and Darrell K. Royal have in common? They are both responsible for developing a new, revolutionary and for lack of a better word shit kicking offense style. For anyone who might be asking what is this guy talking about I'm talking about the none other than the Flying V. Not only was this named after a flock of ducks migratory formation, but I like to think Bombay took at least part of the name from his favorite Gibson Guitar.

Badass

Why It Worked
Aside from the fact that the play looks like something that should be seen on NFL Blitz, when the Flying V was first introduced, it was so revolutionary and original that every person in that rink minus the Ducks mistook Bombay for the second coming of Christ, they weren't far off.

The play essentially made EVERYONE on the ice a potential scorer. By passing the puck intermittently among the five players making the V, the opponents defense might as well just hiked up a chair and enjoyed the show because that son of a bitch was going into the goal.

The formation is comparable to that of the recently banned a-11 formation in football. However since the powers that be that govern over hockey actually have a pair, this formation will never be outlawed due to it being "unsportsmanlike".

Why It Didn't Work
Far be it from me to point out ANY flaws in Bombay's coaching style, however there were some damn apparent problems with the Flying V. First of all, much like a college basketball coach who constantly runs a full court press, Bombay didn't realize that defense is in fact kind of important in the game of hockey. This is fully pointed out when the Ducks run the V on Iceland (keep in mind, physically, this is like a 7th grade Defensive line going against the TCU D-Line, go frogs).

Above team's combined weight, 540 lbs.
Below team's combined weight, 900 lbs.
Yep this should work

Now if you had a good goalie, this might not be the biggest problem since he might be able to actually stop the puck. However, while he might kick ass against every other team, good ol' Goldberg had about a 2% saving probability if the puck was shot by anyone from the Iceland team, so much like the Spartans in 300, if you broke the line you were screwed.

However I will say the success rate of the Flying V was around 99% so, in the end it is still the play that I think we should see in the NHL more often.

Values that the Ducks taught me Part 1

The present day is a time where people seem to identify themselves through their values more than ever. Is abortion immoral? Is war the answer? Why do people still like Nickelback? The answers to questions like these seem to create at least a certain amount of what makes you an individual. Since I really haven't been able to figure out my own values for myself, I turn to the media to figure them out for me (which is why I still can't answer that damn Nickleback question). As a child, I decided to take most of my values from D2.

Truly, Truly Awful

For example, values like:

PATRIOTISM

"In Bombay I Trust."

International competition always will cause the patriot bug to bite my ass and make me wave the American Flag (but it will never make me like Toby Keith). It's a time when true American heroes are born and a little bit of faith and unity is restored to this awesome land we like to call America. 

Pictured: American Hero

However, when we enter the realm of Junior International Competition, well I can't be responsible for the red, white and blue fireworks that might shoot out my ass. The Mighty Ducks entered the Junior Goodwill games by taking on Trinidad and Tobago, a matchup that would be similar to my little sister vs Lebron James. After "making a statement..." with those pesky trinidadians(?), the Ducks beat the hell out of any team they faced (Germany AND Italy, its like a kiddy World War 2!!). And it is only after having their asses supremely handed to them by the Icelandic team do they realize that sometimes America really has to work for its victories, especially against Iceland, who I like to think is the fourth member of the Axis of Evil. Well after having a deep look within themselves and learning that Iceland's whaling industry is huge, the Ducks got pissed enough to beat the team that embarrassed them earlier. 

 

Team Iceland's favorite movie

But (SPOILER ALERT) the Ducks win and bring home the freaking Gold!! I'm pretty sure when I saw that scene I wanted to join the army there at age 8. It is at this moment I decided probably every country could never be as good as the good ol' US of A!!!

Also at the end when Julie the Cat says "nice try" to Gunner Stahl after he just lost the game and fucked his country's chance of NOT falling into obscurity, was she just being a bitch or a really good sport? My vote is both.

"Nice try, but seriously you just got beat by a girl with no experience"

Julie "The Cat"

Reasons Why the Ducks Deserve a Blog

I am sure most readers of the blog right now are asking themselves one question and that is "why". Here's the probable chain of thought:  Why does a 22 year old college senior take the time to blog about a movie made 14 years ago, Why D2, I liked D3, Why isn't he out looking for a job right now, I bet he doesn't have a girlfriend. Well to answer those questions: 

•I'm doing this for a class and I love this movie 

•D2 is and forever will be better than D3 

•The job market sucks right now

•I got one

(Me-4, Dissenters-0)

Don't worry, you don't have to be a superfan to enjoy this blog, I'm a people pleaser so I'll try to keep the content universally enjoyable. Now on to...

REASONS WHY THE MIGHTY DUCKS DESERVE THEIR OWN BLOG

REASON #1- THEY DEFY NEWTONIAN PHYSICS

Since Isaac Newton published his now infamous 3 Laws of Motion over 400 years ago, they have been looked at as some of the most respected ideas science has given us. They are viewed as set in stone, on at least on earth, and it's kind of hard to argue that point.

However, a few members of the Mighty Ducks thought it would be fun to give good ol' Isaac the finger and make their own rules (probably because they were invented by some old guy who didn't understand the young people).  

"Damn kids and their rap music."

Isaac Newton

Take Newton's First law, the law of inertia, which basically says if something is at rest or moving it takes something more forceful than them to go or stop. Well, being the leader of the Ducks (and teacher's pet of Coach Bombay) Charlie Conway said to hell with that. As he was rounding up his fellow ducks across the city of Minneapolis, Charlie and gang causally slalomed onto a road construction site. Seeing this as better place than ever to do this, Charlie looked behind him excitedly, when out in front of him pulls up a damn boom lift.

  

Shit

Normally when a kid sees he's on a collision course with 2 tons of shit your pants, the normal action would be to, well, shit your pants. This is all because of that jerk Newton, because according to his first "suggestion" as we will now call it, a teenager doesn't have enough downward force to change his forward inertia and jump over the cherrypicker. Oh not Charlie. With no ramp whatsoever, Charlie clears the neck of the lift better than any Olympic hurdler who's not on steroids. I'm cashing in my bet Charlie might honestly also be a jedi.

Missing from photo: gravity

REASON #2- THEY CAN CAUSE A COUNTRY'S COLLAPSE

Like every great sports movie, D2 features the really good team who just plain suck as people. Now like everybody else I initially felt this should go to Canada, but Walt Disney threw us a curveball when Iceland stepped onto the ice. However after seeing them on the ice for five minutes, I understood why they deserved to be at the top.  

Actual Team Iceland Tryouts

Now obviously the Ducks (only after shedding those pesky Team USA uniforms) sent those damn vikings home with their heads and shields hanging. 

Now what you have to understand is that Iceland really is only known for Vikings and having not one pronounceable city. So the fact that they were very likely to win the Junior Goodwill Games was probably more than enough to brighten the entire country's spirits. WRONG. Everyone knows if there is one thing Icelanders seem to hate more than warmth, its silver (I think). 

If you haven't been reading the news as of late, Iceland isn't doing so well. And by isn't doing so well, I mean it has absolutely collapsed. To the point that CNN titled one of its articles "Icelandic Government Fails...". 

Now one might attribute this to the fact that their government sucks, but I'm not going to join those people. What I know is happening is that the unbelievable ass-kicking the Iceland team got 14 years ago is now starting to show its true effect on the country's psyche. 

REASON #3- KNUCKLE PUCK

Enough said...

Kenan Thompson - Knuckle Puck
Uploaded by joecool85

I honestly believe that if you watch this enough times,

your head will simply explode.