Values the Ducks taught me part 2-Diversity

Hey everybody, its blog time again! After a 2 week hiatus, I'm dusting the ol cobwebs off and talking about the most esoteric shit ever spewed out on the internet. But I digress: Hands Across America, The Olympics, a riot, what do all of these things have in common? They bring people together, if history has taught us anything it is that we need to be united as a country and not torn apart by the color of our skin or what we might hold dear. This was the obvious agenda of Coach Gordon Bombay or as I like to refer to him as Better Bono.

Now when I think of the NHL, I basically think of an entire league named Doug, meaning the diversity within the league is probably that of the Mormon church. Even every team the Ducks played had a roster full of either white people or Jamaicans who for some reason live in Trinidad and Tobago.

The land of tie-dye and steel drums

Now in the first film the Ducks brought something to the game that had never been seen, racial integration, and goddammit no one else liked that. Well if they were pissed in D1, those people would have had a god damn stroke from what they saw in D2. Lets go down the list shall we:

1. Luiz Mendoza
Hails From: Miami, Florida (South Miami if you read his jersey)
Importance: First Hispanic to succeed in hockey.

BEHOLD THE FUTURE OF HOCKEY...maybe. As the nations fastest growing demographic, it was only a matter of time until the Hispanics made a move onto the rink. And the first to break this barrier was Luiz Mendoza. Luiz's contribution to the team was mind blowing, goalie-shitting speed. However, he had two problems that came with his strengths, his ability to stop was straight up zero and the concussions he got from slamming into the walls at literally breakneck speed are putting him on route to be the next Ali.

But Luiz was not going to let this handicap stop him from earning the respect he deserves. He soon learned to stop, scored a goal and paved the way for many Hispanic athletes to come.

2. Ken Wu

Hails From: San Fransisco, California
Importance: Being the first gay hockey player

Freddy Mercury, Harvey Milk, NPH; all of these openly gay people have made positive contributions socially, culturally and politically. Sports has been an area of our popular culture where we have not seen many gay people flourish. This all changed with Mr. Ken Wu. Although he never officially said he was gay, he was a male figure skater, c'mon.

I'm nooot gaaaaaaaaaaayyy!

Today the gay culture is an extremely polarizing topic. What I'm going to assume is that the good ol bash brothers at first were not too happy with having Wu as a teammate as we saw Dean Portman lifting him onto the goal an giving him a right cross knocking the poor kid's ass out. But as the time went on Ken won the extreme adoration of them by going into some sort of rage and beating the absolute hell out of the Iceland goalie. Riots ensued and Ken became the third Bash Brother, this is how society needs to be people!

3. Russ Tyler

Hails From: South Central Los Angeles
Importance: Social Context

If you look at the history of the United States, South Central LA has been and still is an incredibly interesting spot. Compton, crips and bloods, NWA, all things that scare the absolute hell out of white people everywhere, came out of South Central. Now Russ Tyler was just a huge dick at the beginning of the movie by talkin shit to anyone he could. The reason, because the Ducks lost their way and didn't know how to play street hockey. So the Ducks followed Russ and his gang to their neighborhood basketball court and played some hockey on rollerblades (don't worry basketball wasn't popular in the early to mid 90's). It was their that Russ dropped the damn atomic bomb of hockey known as the knuckle puck.

Kenan Thompson - Knuckle Puck
Uploaded by joecool85

Now this was enough to earn him a spot on the Ducks after Adam Banks had a bad case of smashed wrist. It was here, he dropped the knuckle puck and scored a goal for the Ducks and for the people of LA. It just goes to show that no matter what sports can make you a better person.

Didn't play sports...

Baffling post ducks careers part 1

This is more informational than funny... sorry

Julie "The Cat" Gaffney a.k.a.  Colombe Jacobsen-

Now the mighty ducks was not ms jacobsen's first foray into movies, she first appeared as the object of little henry roengartner in Rookie of the Year. However then she took her bad ass position in between the pipes and being severely underappreciated by her coach.

Now me and pretty much any other guy thought she was easily the best looking duck out there and we're just in our wanting to know just what the hell happened to her. We here's what I found thanks to imdb.com

The Living Wake (2007) .... Prostitute
Descent (2007) .... Nadia
Searching for Haizmann (2003) .... Hannah Allen
Moonlight Mile (2002) .... Patty
Men in Black II (2002) .... Hailey

Well first of all her timing between d3 and MIB2 (she's a sequel girl) was 6 years. We could say that she went to college and did that whole thing, but judging on her first entry in The Living Wake I would venture to say not.

Where shit get weird:

Albeit, she still is attractive, but she has traded in her hockey stick for a spatula. Thats right ms jacobsen was a reject in The Next Food Network Star. The following describes her short stint from foodieobsessed.com

Colombe just never had much personality. She is a beautiful woman, but I think all that yoga sucked the life blood out of her. She also had very little common sense. Leaving a bag behind at the grocery store was unforgivable, she had to have realized that was some-one’s. At least she tried to redeem her self by helping out Paul.

So apparently, she's a shitty chef (-3), does yoga (+2), no common sense (-2), nice (+1), still was a mighty duck (+infinity).

Laws.....We don't need no stinkin laws

There are some people out there, who believe laws are just an unnecessary obstacle that those stupid (insert either Gun-Toting or Treehugging) government officials put into effect to block the every day average joe from enjoying his god given freedoms.

 

Eat it Washington

Generally, I hate people like this almost as much as I hate Nickleback fans, but there is one group of people who I feel deserve to break the laws they did. You don't get any points for guessing, its the Ducks. Here are a couple of laws broken in D2 and why they are justifiable.

Law 1: Disturbing the Peace via rollerblading

First of all, when I do stumble across any kids skating in public I admit it does annoy the crap out of me but what annoys me even more are the people who are vocally against public skating. The people who put this law into effect must have been the people who wrote to the fictional Mister Wilson off of Dennis the Menace giving him pointers on how to get that little shit off his front yard.

 

Behold the end of the goddamn world!!

So with my feelings on this, I think the Ducks were totally justified in their reckless abandon when they went off the streets and into the mall. First off all, they were being rounded up for what is probably known as the the best reunion in sports history, they didn't have time take off their skates. After liberating Averman from the middle school hell we like to call a summer job, the three reunited pals decided to take a little stroll around the mall. Why because they can! They are about to go off an defend this countries hockey reputation, would you be mad if one of them stole your precious little hat you bought from the Dollar General? Any true American would answer with an emphatic HELL NO!!

Law 2: Arson

As the Ducks are coming back from their reconciliation with Coach Bombay after he acted like a grade A prick, Bombay wanted to show he had let his materialistic LA ways behind him and again embraced those good ol' Minnesota Values. And he did this they way any self respecting Minnesotan...Minnesotian...Minnesotite, person from Minnesota would, by sticking it in barrel and lighting that son of a bitch up! 

Now most people will say, hey didn't the Great London Fire start off with a minor event like this, well yes and honestly if Sweeney Todd is any indication of what life was like back then, well I don't see the problem with that.

Apparently, the sun didn't shine in England until after WWII, you're welcome UK.

Now, keep in mind the technological context in which this movie was shot. Power Point did not exist and especially when you are dealing with teenagers, any speech needs a visual aid. Bombay was simply doing his best to make a point to his eager eyed audience, I'd be hard pressed to find any collegiate speech professor who would disagree with me. Also its not like wide spread fires is nothing LA couldn't handle...

Oh yeah...

Law 3: Inciting a riot

Now I personally love watching a good riot on TV, with the tear gas and breaking glass and the public beatings. However I do understand why a riot can be detrimental to society, remember that time you threw that house party and it ended up with all of your and your parents shit getting completely destroyed, thats essentially a riot. And unfortunately a riot is also a breeding ground of wrong place wrong time incidences, and honestly I feel safe knowing the fact that when I go out to get a burger, my car is not going to become a petrol bomb. 

But even when the bash brothers decided to incite a mini riot within the Pond over at Anaheim, it was for the a good reason. First of all sports are all about momentum, and as enforcers on the team, it was the bash brother's job to shift the momentum away from Iceland. Luckily, La is a place that knows how to handle itself during a riot.

Oh yeah...